here is my beginning of positive changes. i broke up with my girlfriend three weeks ago. i just quit my job. here’s a clean slate if i’ve ever had one. so now i’ll try to keep myself busy, distracted. i will be cautious though, that i do things that are going to improve my life from how it is now. i’ve got some major issues i need to learn to be okay with in myself:
– letting others in and making a connection
– being a better listener
– collecting my thoughts to better express myself
– less filtering, more expression
problems i’ve had in the past have centered around me not being able to express myself and not having set my boundaries. i used to think i had nothing to say, but talking with friends, i’ve realized that i have more to say than i think. sometimes, i just can’t make all these thoughts into a cohesive idea. sometimes, my mind does feel like it’s going at a pace that my mouth can’t keep up with. i don’t understand, but i hope i will.
for some reason, today was particularly rough emotion-wise. i woke up early, got out of bed, had a cigarette and felt fine. then, i went back upstairs to read “the letter q.” i started to doze off. the thought flashed in my head, this time last week she was here. i woke up next to her and it was such a comfort after the past couple of weeks we’d had. then i closed my eyes fully and nodded off until my parents (i live with my parents) called me to breakfast. i went downstairs, offered to help. as my mom was still heating something on the stove, she asked if i was going to have breakfast. i told her, “maybe.” then she said, “you are right.” after this, i simply said yeah, and suddenly felt overcome with sadness. in the past few weeks, sadness has come and go in what seemed like small, manageable, but still intense waves. this morning, was an overwhelming ache. it wasn’t because of the loss of her, but more the kindness and care my mom showed me. i actually don’t understand how the two feelings relate. i sat on my bedside, trying to calm myself, trying to not let the tears fall. when i decided to just let go and let flow what i was feeling, a few tears escaped. i took a few deep breaths to build a semblance of composure and then trekked back down to the dining room table.
this has been one of the toughest days since the breakup. there have been a few here and there, spread over the past three weeks. now that her stuff is gone, besides a few items, it seems more final. maybe it will get easier. i have a feeling that maybe the sadness is going to come in waves, as it has been lately. i have no idea how to manage, what i’ll do to distract myself. where i’ll find the motivation to look for a new job. what i’ll do after the couple yoga sessions are over, the only activity i have planned over the coming week.
there’s always the possibility of planning a road trip and running away for a bit.
turningmycensoroff 