the send off

i just sent my ex-girlfriend’s things back to her in a box, along with a letter wishing her warmth. we haven’t talked in a while. our extent of contact is facebook. like two comments in the past month. i was dragging my heels on sending the stuff out last sunday and used money as an excuse. i guess i wasn’t ready then. the letter i sent was a third draft. i had to rewrite it one more time i guess before i felt comfortable enough to send it. anyway, they’re out there and on their way.

in a week from now, i am moving into my own apartment. i didn’t want to leaver her stuff here at my parents. now i need to pack my own things. i’m  moving 5 miles away from home. it’ll be fine. i’m excited. ready for this. ready for more space.

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giving thanks

good coffee. brown sugar. half and half or regular milk.

giving my self time in the mornings to have a good breakfast before stepping out the door to go to work.

for yoga to help me calm my body and mind, stand straighter and taller.

good music.

for the guitar. for ultimate-guitar.com.

friends sticking with me up till now. helping me get through any tough times.

for family that will stick with me till the end.

for my counselor for listening to me talk about my life and offer angles i don’t see on my own.

new living arrangements–getting my own apartment. taking a step toward being financially independent.

for being in a way better situation in my current job than my last: management values my time more.

for saying yes to what makes me happy and letting the rest go (work in progress).

negative post now, thankful post later

my (known) insecurities laid out to prevent them from swirling in my head or maybe to look back on later and see my progress with being better at not giving a fuck

failed the engineer-in-training exam. so not worthy of my engineering title.

boring in bed. too loud in bed.

uninteresting. poor conversationalist. poor listener– i listen maybe 70% of the time, even less if i’m tired.

throw money at everything in hopes to make people around me feel appreciated.

oh, and the generic variety instilled in us women by years of oppression: i am not beautiful. naturally hairy, especially my mustache. i have a little extra. stretch marks.

my work is less valuable than my bosses who can support his family on his salary. (it’s true, though, he wears so many more hats) actually seeing how much my male counterpart made at my last company for doing the same work as me (36k compared to 75k… i know i shouldn’t have looked, but i did)

being mildly depressed at times. being quiet (being a normal introvert!). my boss’s boss said i was still too quiet and wants to hire another engineer to talk engineer-to-engineer, maybe an extroverted version of me. it isn’t too bad to have a balanced personality engineering team, i guess.

Fortune From June

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Zoltar Speaks:

     oh how you love to whistle and sing
     oh how you love to dance and swing
     your future life with joy will ring
     with all the happiness it will bring

     you have a very sympathetic nature. you devote a great many hours to the welfare of others. you have a very fine mind, and if you cultivate it properly, you will be very successful. you are very fond of sports and love to dance. you have a graceful walk, and a determined step. you always walk, as tho’ you know exactly where you’re going. people respect you for your determination. you will endure some hardship in the near future, but eventually everything will turn out for the best and unending happiness will be yours. 

i’m not sure if this fortune rings true for me. a friend urges me to take a step back and realize how far i’ve come. try to understand what it may mean or to be intended for in the present, past, or future.

present: we’re already six months into this. by we, i mean “me”. i am doing majority of things that i want to do. i have my bouts of depression still, but they are less frequent recently.

past: i’ve always been stubborn to change my decisions about things, such as wanting to move in with my long-distance girlfriend of only 1.5 years, where 1 year was spent in cities 3.5 hours away from each other. i was always determined to make it work. it was set in my mind that we couldn’t let something, this thing we had, go to waste, even if we couldn’t enjoy it with each other and nurture it in better settings. it.

future: i am determined to take more realistic steps in building my romantic relationships.by more realistic steps, i mean, i’ll have more experience to back whatever i decide to do in the future. this isn’t a bank investment and there certainly things that i will not be prepared for, but at least i know how to take care of myself better for the future and how to love that someone better than i have in the past. to listen more.to pay attention more. to ask for my space when i need it. to be myself and not try to please them all the time. try to please them a reasonable amount of the time. wanting their happiness over my own will not change though.

i think it’s true that i do walk with a determined step. i have come a long way from the stress ball i was in may. head taken out of ass now.

Turningoffmysensor goes to Vegas

late explanation of a post heading but here goes.

never going to a queer bar, alone, again. unless highly intoxicated. in this case, incapable of even remotely caring about how i came off to someone and acting without any proper reasoning process. sounds fun. this is for another night for sure.

instead of mingling with more queer folks, i ventured into a tattoo shop and chatted it up with one of the artists. i felt incline to show them the tattoo i wanted and got some nice feedback and tips to take back home with me.

1. find an artist whose work i really like
2. find an artist to do the paint brushed edges from the original image (not the one posted)
3. get the know the artist before the job.

ba ka la

ba ka la

it’s on my to do list. 6 years and coming, since 2007. whoa. it might be time soon. now, as to where i’d like this…

semblance of balance

 

It’s such a beautiful day. I can’t say that I’m fully healed, but there seems to be more space between feelings of emptiness and sadness. I’d say things are going a little better. I’ve started spending some more time with friends.  Loneliness is still here, but there’s more comfort in knowing that in time, I’ll not forget about the break up but be at peace with it. I did it before and I can do it again. It helps that it was clean. Even though I asked her to be with me one last time.

going down, down

I’ve been thinking that I’m doing okay for now. Comparing to how I was at this time last month, I’ve started feeling a sense of calm. I’ve been escaping to the beach whenever I can recently. I live in the Bay Area which is only a short 45 minute drive west. It’s been my replacement therapy as I was able to quit smoking for the past week.

My ex and I have come to the consensus that we have no idea what’s to come and that we wish each other well. We wish each other the best. At times, I feel like i just want to talk to her. But just the thought reopens the wound. And it burns. Part of me just doesn’t want to know what she’s up to. It’s just that I really don’t want to know who she’s with if she’s seeing somebody new. It would just hurt too much. It hurts even thinking of the possibility.

Now that I’m writing, I’m thinking of the reason I decided that we break up. For a long time, I’ve been depressed and taking it out on her. The evening before we broke up, she did one thing to set me off: she walked away without saying anything. Simply, with no bad intentions, just to take a look at something. Leading up this moment, we were talking outside, enjoying the fresh Oakland air. She enjoyed the people watching, while I awkwardly stood there, watching nothing, being curious about nothing, but at the same time trying to take something in. So she walked away, and that’s when my I let myself spiral in negative talk. I started to beat myself up for being so boring. My thoughts wandered to how easy it was for her to open up with interesting conversation. I started to compare myself to her. I shutdown. I closed inward. A silent anger swept over me set off by such a innocent act of curiosity.The whole night, I kept this grudge to myself as my friends tried hard to not be awkward around my gloominess. To prevent this process from repeating itself, the next morning I decided to throw in the towel and give up on our relationship. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with her. It was the fact that I had pent up all this resentment and I didn’t know how to diffuse it. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable, to be honest, and just come out with it so that we could work on it.

As for where all this resentment came from, I think it started building up when we decided to switch gears from long-distance relationship to a no-distance one. I was very unhappy with my job and with how I was living my life. All I wanted was for her to be here with me, but I never considered what that meant. The whole time, I was struggling for space, but I barely asked for it and honestly, didn’t know that I needed it. All these feelings were starting to get shrouded in resentment. She had all the space in the world… living with me at my parents place. No, we both needed so much more space than we were giving each other.

Now we have all the space we could ever need.