the send off

i just sent my ex-girlfriend’s things back to her in a box, along with a letter wishing her warmth. we haven’t talked in a while. our extent of contact is facebook. like two comments in the past month. i was dragging my heels on sending the stuff out last sunday and used money as an excuse. i guess i wasn’t ready then. the letter i sent was a third draft. i had to rewrite it one more time i guess before i felt comfortable enough to send it. anyway, they’re out there and on their way.

in a week from now, i am moving into my own apartment. i didn’t want to leaver her stuff here at my parents. now i need to pack my own things. i’m  moving 5 miles away from home. it’ll be fine. i’m excited. ready for this. ready for more space.

giving thanks

good coffee. brown sugar. half and half or regular milk.

giving my self time in the mornings to have a good breakfast before stepping out the door to go to work.

for yoga to help me calm my body and mind, stand straighter and taller.

good music.

for the guitar. for ultimate-guitar.com.

friends sticking with me up till now. helping me get through any tough times.

for family that will stick with me till the end.

for my counselor for listening to me talk about my life and offer angles i don’t see on my own.

new living arrangements–getting my own apartment. taking a step toward being financially independent.

for being in a way better situation in my current job than my last: management values my time more.

for saying yes to what makes me happy and letting the rest go (work in progress).

negative post now, thankful post later

my (known) insecurities laid out to prevent them from swirling in my head or maybe to look back on later and see my progress with being better at not giving a fuck

failed the engineer-in-training exam. so not worthy of my engineering title.

boring in bed. too loud in bed.

uninteresting. poor conversationalist. poor listener– i listen maybe 70% of the time, even less if i’m tired.

throw money at everything in hopes to make people around me feel appreciated.

oh, and the generic variety instilled in us women by years of oppression: i am not beautiful. naturally hairy, especially my mustache. i have a little extra. stretch marks.

my work is less valuable than my bosses who can support his family on his salary. (it’s true, though, he wears so many more hats) actually seeing how much my male counterpart made at my last company for doing the same work as me (36k compared to 75k… i know i shouldn’t have looked, but i did)

being mildly depressed at times. being quiet (being a normal introvert!). my boss’s boss said i was still too quiet and wants to hire another engineer to talk engineer-to-engineer, maybe an extroverted version of me. it isn’t too bad to have a balanced personality engineering team, i guess.

Fortune From June

Zoltar Speaks:

     oh how you love to whistle and sing
     oh how you love to dance and swing
     your future life with joy will ring
     with all the happiness it will bring

     you have a very sympathetic nature. you devote a great many hours to the welfare of others. you have a very fine mind, and if you cultivate it properly, you will be very successful. you are very fond of sports and love to dance. you have a graceful walk, and a determined step. you always walk, as tho’ you know exactly where you’re going. people respect you for your determination. you will endure some hardship in the near future, but eventually everything will turn out for the best and unending happiness will be yours. 

i’m not sure if this fortune rings true for me. a friend urges me to take a step back and realize how far i’ve come. try to understand what it may mean or to be intended for in the present, past, or future.

present: we’re already six months into this. by we, i mean “me”. i am doing majority of things that i want to do. i have my bouts of depression still, but they are less frequent recently.

past: i’ve always been stubborn to change my decisions about things, such as wanting to move in with my long-distance girlfriend of only 1.5 years, where 1 year was spent in cities 3.5 hours away from each other. i was always determined to make it work. it was set in my mind that we couldn’t let something, this thing we had, go to waste, even if we couldn’t enjoy it with each other and nurture it in better settings. it.

future: i am determined to take more realistic steps in building my romantic relationships.by more realistic steps, i mean, i’ll have more experience to back whatever i decide to do in the future. this isn’t a bank investment and there certainly things that i will not be prepared for, but at least i know how to take care of myself better for the future and how to love that someone better than i have in the past. to listen more.to pay attention more. to ask for my space when i need it. to be myself and not try to please them all the time. try to please them a reasonable amount of the time. wanting their happiness over my own will not change though.

i think it’s true that i do walk with a determined step. i have come a long way from the stress ball i was in may. head taken out of ass now.

Turningoffmysensor goes to Vegas

late explanation of a post heading but here goes.

never going to a queer bar, alone, again. unless highly intoxicated. in this case, incapable of even remotely caring about how i came off to someone and acting without any proper reasoning process. sounds fun. this is for another night for sure.

instead of mingling with more queer folks, i ventured into a tattoo shop and chatted it up with one of the artists. i felt incline to show them the tattoo i wanted and got some nice feedback and tips to take back home with me.

1. find an artist whose work i really like
2. find an artist to do the paint brushed edges from the original image (not the one posted)
3. get the know the artist before the job.

ba ka la

it’s on my to do list. 6 years and coming, since 2007. whoa. it might be time soon. now, as to where i’d like this…

semblance of balance

 

It’s such a beautiful day. I can’t say that I’m fully healed, but there seems to be more space between feelings of emptiness and sadness. I’d say things are going a little better. I’ve started spending some more time with friends.  Loneliness is still here, but there’s more comfort in knowing that in time, I’ll not forget about the break up but be at peace with it. I did it before and I can do it again. It helps that it was clean. Even though I asked her to be with me one last time.

going down, down

I’ve been thinking that I’m doing okay for now. Comparing to how I was at this time last month, I’ve started feeling a sense of calm. I’ve been escaping to the beach whenever I can recently. I live in the Bay Area which is only a short 45 minute drive west. It’s been my replacement therapy as I was able to quit smoking for the past week.

My ex and I have come to the consensus that we have no idea what’s to come and that we wish each other well. We wish each other the best. At times, I feel like i just want to talk to her. But just the thought reopens the wound. And it burns. Part of me just doesn’t want to know what she’s up to. It’s just that I really don’t want to know who she’s with if she’s seeing somebody new. It would just hurt too much. It hurts even thinking of the possibility.

Now that I’m writing, I’m thinking of the reason I decided that we break up. For a long time, I’ve been depressed and taking it out on her. The evening before we broke up, she did one thing to set me off: she walked away without saying anything. Simply, with no bad intentions, just to take a look at something. Leading up this moment, we were talking outside, enjoying the fresh Oakland air. She enjoyed the people watching, while I awkwardly stood there, watching nothing, being curious about nothing, but at the same time trying to take something in. So she walked away, and that’s when my I let myself spiral in negative talk. I started to beat myself up for being so boring. My thoughts wandered to how easy it was for her to open up with interesting conversation. I started to compare myself to her. I shutdown. I closed inward. A silent anger swept over me set off by such a innocent act of curiosity.The whole night, I kept this grudge to myself as my friends tried hard to not be awkward around my gloominess. To prevent this process from repeating itself, the next morning I decided to throw in the towel and give up on our relationship. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with her. It was the fact that I had pent up all this resentment and I didn’t know how to diffuse it. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable, to be honest, and just come out with it so that we could work on it.

As for where all this resentment came from, I think it started building up when we decided to switch gears from long-distance relationship to a no-distance one. I was very unhappy with my job and with how I was living my life. All I wanted was for her to be here with me, but I never considered what that meant. The whole time, I was struggling for space, but I barely asked for it and honestly, didn’t know that I needed it. All these feelings were starting to get shrouded in resentment. She had all the space in the world… living with me at my parents place. No, we both needed so much more space than we were giving each other.

Now we have all the space we could ever need.

Outwards

Original 7-02-13

I’ve been spending a lot of time focusing outwards, which is why I go to the beach. I do it to clear my head (or at least attempt to). In a sense, it’s my way of running away for the moment. Now, with my car out of commission, I don’t really know what to do about that. Quiet time. I’ve also tried to just to keep myself busy so as to not think about what I’m feeling. Or well, to not feel like I do right now.

Empty

Thinking about her has been a cloud hanging over me all day. Bigger at some points, almost disappearing at others. I let myself indulge in a song that reminded me of her and I think that’s where it started. I resumed my day as normally as possible, but now that the hussle and bussle of today’s activities are over, it’s left me feeling empty. It’s been a month since we broke up. It took about three weeks for her to take all of her belongings, though some things are still here: tickets for concerts we were supposed to go to, her cologne, some stuffed animals, and a blanket. They’re tucked away where I can’t see them. It helps. Also, the room where she stayed right before she left looks completely different. These are little things I hope are going to help make it easier. But it’s not easier, at least for the time being. I’m not overly sad. I knew these feelings were going to come and go.

I’m going to start jumping from thought to thought:
– We had a small get together with family today to welcome my cousin visiting from out of the US. It saddened me to be making one of the dishes I enjoyed cooking most with my ex.
– It somewhat bothers me that my family didn’t really acknowledge my ex when she was my gf. It’s okay, but it just stings.
– I keep thinking what it would be like if she was here. It doesn’t help.

Now I have all this free time, what with quitting my job. I didn’t have another one lined up and wanted to take this time to really dig deep and figure out what it is I want to be doing with my life. There is some anxiety there. Most of my discontent lies, though, with the fact that now I have all this free time and she’s not here to spend it with. Regardless of our problems. Even though those things cannot be disregarded.

It seems spending time with others lately has just left me feeling so empty. I feel like a horrible friend for being such mellow company and need to make some adjustments. They deserve better.

Inspired by “The Letter Q” by Sarah Moon

To my seventh grade self,

 

            This is your twenty-five year old self here with advice from the future. I am currently sitting at the piano in your newly remodeled home that you grew up in, starting about a year from now. It’s a home you’ve come back to after experiencing some of your milestones in love, education, and friendship. Anyway, it’s a place where you’ve come to experience some major emotions, good and bad. Right now, you’re trying to mend your heart after the nearly two-year period of life with Jareb (you’ll see what I mean later—much later, actually).

            Let’s rewind and focus on you, you thirteen-year-old. Your best friend at the time, Sammy, has just move to San Diego. You feel alone. Never have you felt so uncomfortable with yourself. You don’t have any close friends. You’ve tried, but they’ve all ganged up against you. What you don’t know now is that they all have conflicts with each other and none of those conflicts concern you. Right now, your only refuge is volleyball. It’s simple: just get the ball to the other side of the net. It’s the only place where you feel like you belong. Everything else just seems awkward. I have some good news for you but also some bad news. The good news is you’ll some friends through volleyball that will show you that you don’t need to be anyone else on the court, just be aware of where the ball is. Even less, just be a good teammate. You didn’t even have to be a good player. You just have to love the game. Volleyball will save your life, though you don’t focus on much else. But that doesn’t matter.The bad news is that, for the time being, you’ll be really hard on yourself and have expectations to be an all around, good player. I can tell you now that no one cares about how you let that last ball fall on the side of your court, right in front of you, causing the team to lose that round in the playoffs. The small things like that that you sweat over, are not going to matter ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. What’s going to matter now is how being on that team made you feel, how you loved bringing your best day in and day out, producing real sweat on the courts and sharing that experience with others.

            Through volleyball you were able to find more of yourself. This was mostly due to your gay-coach. You suspected at the time and you were right. Seventh grade was the year you came out to one of your best friends. She’s still one of your best friends, even now. You went to college and lived together for all five years, even. (I’ll leave the rest of the college details for you to experience) Part of the reason why you feel so disoriented and lonely without your best friend that moved away is because you’ve fallen so head over heels for her. You would not dare say it to yourself or to anyone else. You felt how people in movies felt when they fell in love, even though it was for another girl and that wasn’t supposed to be how this happened. Regardless, your feelings grew tall and this was deeper than anything you’d ever felt with any of your past boyfriends. You wanted to spend all your time with her. Everything just seemed to click this time like never before. I want you to hold onto this feeling of connection. It’s what will keep us alive. There’ll be room for others, for you to feel this way, and for someone else to feel the same. You will fall in love again, and again, and again. You follow the pattern of falling for your best friend for a few iterations and you’ll feel heartache every time you are rejected. But you are so strong and you keep going. Keep doing this and letting yourself feel. Every heartache brings you more clarity in what will work and what won’t. Even now, you haven’t figured it all out, but you’re closer than you’ve ever been.

April will come along in your senior year of high school. You’ll meet at a concert. You’ll feel that instant click again. She intrigues you and you’ll want to know more. You’ll stay up until morning on the phone, talking about nonsense, listening to the other’s breathing as you fall asleep. You’ll think this is what I’ve been looking for. Going off to college looms in the background which adds some tension to your relationship. Her friendship with another queer woman adds to it too and you feel jealousy bubbling in you. Her growing spirituality makes her question whether this is wrong or right adds the most tension. This will be the breaking point. She chooses God over you. You understand. As a Filipino born- and raised-Catholic, you struggle with the same thoughts, too. Still, you have the hardest time getting over her. But in that time of struggle, you find yourself. You find others like you. They will help you forget. Even though you pick up smoking as a habit and spend countless hours on your porch, wondering why she chose to let you go, you get through this. When times like these happen in the future, I want you to remember to be with others like you. They will help you get through it. You are not alone. The first love is always the hardest. So is the second, the third, and I anticipate the fourth. You will find love.

At the moment, you struggle with your negative self-talk. (It’s something that’s going to stick with you, something you try to shake off even now) Try to see a counselor. As stigmatized as it is, you have a line of depression in your family, and it will help you. Right now, you just can’t seem to find a way in to the group of friends you want to. Don’t worry. High school is on the horizon. Be in the present and participate. Continue to play volleyball even though you’re not the best. Don’t take yourself so seriously. You’ll find others just as quirky as you, even more so, people who let things flow. Hang on to these fabulous people once you find them.

You are not alone. I love you. Learn to love yourself now. It really doesn’t matter how awesome someone else’s life seems to be. What matters is how you make your life. I urge you to find your passion and be honest with yourself more. Don’t worry, I urge myself the same thing even now. You are beautiful. You’ll make it through. Thanks for being so strong so that I could write this letter to you.

 

With love,
Twenty-five